Shuttle of the Damned
by TrekDr
Summary: 10 years into the journey, could be considered canon compliant original timeline. sparked by the one kiss meme going around. C/7 and J/Ayala allusions. J/C smut, angst and then despair. A quickly written ficlet which is a bit angrier than my normal. swearing in chapter 2, mildly explicit chapter 3. May get a sequel, maybe. Complete [not for profit, not my characters etc etc. ]
1. We are gathered together

_ADMIRAL: Seven of Nine is going to die._  
 _JANEWAY: What?_  
 _ADMIRAL: Three years from now. She'll be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager, and die in the arms of her husband._  
 _JANEWAY: Husband?_  
 _ADMIRAL: Chakotay. He'll never be the same after Seven's death, and neither will you._

-0-0-0-Janeway-0-0-0-

'So why me then'

He has been surly with me since we got into the damned shuttle, a sitting epitome of barely suppressed rage. He reminds me of a thundercloud, or perhaps a thunder spirit of his ancestors. He radiates barely controlled tension and threat, quite fitting the bear epithet he earned as maquis.

He does have a point though, I admit, we have had our friendship obliterated by his marriage, and I have barely given either of them more than my professional persona since I found out. I have spent precisely zero social hours in his sole company for nearly three years and damned few even professionally.

'Because it is time, Chakotay, and because I can no longer bring Tuvok' I answer with some sadness.

I can see that he at least accepts the second part of that sentence, albeit reluctantly. Tuvok, my best and oldest friend, is finally spinning away from me and slipping into his own world. No longer at tactical, but still training our young ensigns and crewmembers while he can. Tuvok, my counsellor, who advised me that I must take this next step back into humanity, that to do nothing and remain alone will be detrimental not just for me, but for the crew. Tuvok, who is the matchmaker, who has trained up his successor well, and then stuck him in front of my eyes and persuaded me to see what the possibilities are. Tuvok who persuades me that a second chance for some peace is worth taking. I sigh, and it is impossible for that not to have been noted.

'and...' Chakotay finally says.

A deep inhalation and louder sigh follows my first. After all these years, and all the misconceptions, I need to do this next stage properly.

' I am lonely, Chakotay.' I bite my lower lip at the meandering way I am going to get to the point, and stare fixedly at the coffee mug in my hands. 'Three years ago I had to discontinue the friendship two significant persons in my life, and now the second most important supporter I have had out here is more in need of my support than ever. I have adapted' and i frown at the use of the word 'and made other friendships more deeply, but I miss a deep connection.'

'if you are blaming me...' he starts to bite out angrily

'Stop! Chakotay' and I turn to look at him, placing a hand on his arm to calm him.

'No blame, you have found happiness together, and that is wonderful for you, I want you to have joy, love, family' and I do my best to hold my voice steady 'but I am telling you that you are not alone in that need. I am not sure whether after all this time of commitment you need to be informed, and I am damned sure I don't need your permission, but...' oh gods, why does this have to be quite so difficult 'it still feels to me like I would be ... unfaithful ... to something I cherished for years' damnit, but this isn't coming our anywhere near the rational discussion I had in my head. Damn him for still having that effect on me. Damn him for having captured my heart and then crushed it. Stupid, Janeway.

'Captain?' he stills further, shuttered off to me 'is this an appropriate conversation? I would not like you to violate starfleet protocols on my behalf.' Shit, worse even than I thought.

'Forget it commander,' I snap back 'It is clearly not an issue for you, and my decision to date is both none of your concern and nothing that you have a legitimate interest in. I had only sought to spare you any...' damn, what had i thought to spare him? The devastation and despair that I felt when I found out that he had been dating Seven, that they were intimately involved, that most of the crew already knew and had been watching in pity for when I realised. 'Nothing commander, there is nothing' and I set my coffee down, and busy myself with scanning the planet we are headed to. Class M, jungle and a simple scout and supply run.

'damnit!' he explodes beside me, both vocally and also surging up out of his chair to stride to the back of the shuttle and then back towards me. 'Why now, Kathryn? Why not then? Who? Why ... why not me?' and the tension is in his voice. If I were to look at him, I would surely see him coiled, ready to run or strike.

'Answer me!' his command wrenched from him. Perhaps this was not such a good idea. Perhaps I should have dated in secret, assumed he wouldn't care, that it wouldn't see it as betrayal. He is happy, he is.

'I.. I made this decision after Quarra. I realised, slowly, that I couldn't live without the easy companionship I had shared with Jaffen' I seem him flinch but barrel on 'it wasn't me that had made that decision, and it certainly wasn't him that i wanted when I came back to myself. but it was closeness, it was... love. I realised that I needed it...' he just stares at me 'with you.'

And he sits back down with a thump in the pilot seat, shaking his head. Denial in all his movements.

'No, no Kathryn. what are you saying' how dare he deny this now! Damnit, I was so obvious!

'All those dinner requests turned down, all the lunches you rainchecked, all the holodeck no shows which I had written especially for you. I persisted, chakotay, until that damned shore leave debacle. Do you know what I had planned? The place I had found for us both, for privacy, to try and recapture what I thought we once might have. How could I have known you had moved on? how could I imagine that you would hide this from me? How could I not notice the pitying glances of the crewmen? Damnit, chakotay. How could you have cared so little for me?' voice rising, and this time it is me jumping up and swiftly striding to the replicator, trying to surreptitiously wipe tears from my face. How can I still care this much?

'I know you are happy, I can even persuade myself that I am glad for your happiness, and I certainly don't imagine you would care who I dated. But I realised I just couldn't keep you in the ignorance you kept me. I need to close this for me. You have no say, no right to know, but I am doing my damnedest to move on, be happy and to survive.' I turn and force myself to look at him, hoping the wobble in my voice is not too noticeable.

'Three years it has taken me, chakotay, three years to put feelers out to the world again. I cannot survive this much longer. I have already given everything I have. I need some measure of companionship. there is someone who might accept me for the flawed person I am, who might accept the only part of my heart i have left to give. Who is strong and can keep me safe. Someone who can see me as Kathryn not just captain' hell, but the person I describe is still Chakotay, am I really telling him to give myself permission, or am I still secretly hoping for some other resolution, that I can't even let that thought come to the front of my mind.

he almost breathes out the name. I nod and let the tears fall.

-0-0 Chakotay 0-0-

Shit. I almost cannot breathe. is it my heart blocking my lungs? My heart is shaking free of the bindings i placed around it. I have spent three years forcing it to bend, forcing into faithlessness. It was all for nothing, worse than nothing.

Shit, but I had low expectations of this mission. I thought it would be uncomfortable, difficult even, a frosty silence maintained but with no thoughts that it would be an opportunity for ambush. No wonder Seven strode around berating me for accepting, angry that the captain would take me after all this time, angry that i would go. Has she known all along? Hell, was this behind her rushing us into marriage following that shore leave? Not that i was unwilling. Oh no, I was too busy being led by the deliciousness of tutoring her into the art of sex. Foolishly I was imagining the jealousy of all the crewmen: pretending Kathryn did not exist. Oh, I was busy writing myself a happy ending.

Happy? We are not happy. We are far from happy. It is irrelevant, apparently, well joyousness is. Businesslike efficiency, following the doctors damned ideas of societal married norms is important, but not spontaneity nor passion. At least we give a damn good appearance of it. Strike that, Seven is satisfied, I am more alone than ever.

The silence in the shuttle stretches out as we are both lost in our solitary misery.

It wasn't long into our marriage that i realised what a fool I had been. That the sexual intimacy and enticement of something new that I had with seven could not replace the deep friendship and connection, however chaste, that I had lost. Yes, I have tried, i am trying! I nearly thought I had succeeded. But my lack of perfection, and her lack of emotional depth and we have nothing in common. Well, voyager, scheduled sex and the loss of Kathryn's affection that stupidly neither of us had anticipated.

Spirits, I had not realised she loved me, still loved me.

'I didn't know' I breathe out quietly. 'I didn't realise' and then, after a longer pause 'I am sorry, Kathryn. I should have told you.' I can't bear to contemplate what this conversation three years ago would have done. Spirits weep. I am in hell.

'Yes' she grinds out 'you should have. Right at the point you were declining to spend time with me, you should have. Or did you enjoy having me chase around after you all these years?' It is worse than that, so I shake my head. Truth is, I just didn't even notice.

'I was ... I am sorry Kathryn, but it happened as it did. Neither of us was sure at the time where it would lead.' and she is quiet.

I need to say something about her moving on too, I need to be pleased she will grasp happiness.

'I want you to be happy, Kathryn' I say holding my voice calm. 'He is...' and I cannot do it. I cannot allow the lie to leave my lips

'Shit! Kathryn! How can we be doing this? Damn you. I love you. I still love you. I will damned well always love you!' it pours out of me. It is like some restraint has released.

'I cannot bear it' and I imagine them kissing, I imagine his hands on her body... I can hardly breathe with anguish over what I have lost.

'I hardly think so!' game back on in anger, something she does well.

'You barely saw me, chakotay! You certainly didn't love me! I doubt you do now! What is this? you moved on, ignored my advances, have been playing happy families for three years and now, now when I finally think I might be able to hold a man in my arms without imagining you, you suddenly become all possessive? Oh no you don't! Too late Chakotay, three years of misery and readjustment too late.'

She slams her coffee mug down, the splashes arcing over the consul, smeared by her jacket to dryness. 'Damn!' she huffs.

I can sense her taking her centering breaths, something that has always annoyed me. I should be doing the same, not allowing the jealousy to erupt.

'I think you'll find it is that you that didn't love me, Kathryn, you pushed me aside, you never let anything be about us. Everything always had to be on your terms. I just about managed until I saw you with Jaffen. Tom and B'elanna were still drawn to each other without their memories, but you! You waltzed past me, full of your new love. You didn't give me anything!'

'I had had my mind wiped damnit! They had programmed me to love. they knew exactly what would keep me docile!' Her anger is real and whips about us like static electricity.

'You asked him to stay!'

'He deserved a chance to leave if he wanted. He didn't when I said I wasn't included'

'You gave him your protocol speech? I could nearly feel sorry for the bastard!' and I huff an angry laugh at that. At least I am not the only fool to have been denied her.

I don't understand why we are hurling insults at each other.

'He loved me, Chakotay, he was gentle, kind and caring. he deserved better' she answers beseechingly, taking the anger out of my sails.

'No argument there Kathryn…'

and that pulls her up. she stares at me and shakes her head.

'This was a mistake, chakotay.' All emotion has drained from her. This is our end.

Suddenly I lose my mind

'No, mike is a mistake' I bite out the words with emphasis on every syllable. I am finally sure. She starts to bridle as I barrel on. 'Seven is a mistake, but we are not Kathryn' it is clear to me.

'chakotay! you don't mean that, you love seven, she is young, beautiful, intelligent and you are happy. Don't do this! You are not this man. We are not going to...' and as she stands I can see in her eyes, in how she looks at me that her brain, her frustratingly annoying protocol ridden self-flagellating and self-sacrificing brain is screaming for her to run, but her heart, body and soul are mine. her lips are open, her cheeks flushed.

It is clear, at last.

'I am not happy' I stand and face her 'I have not been **happy'** and I accent the word angrily 'since almost the start. yes, I tried damnit woman, I tried very, very hard to be happy, to be grateful for what I had rather than what i wanted. **what i have always wanted** ' I take a stride forwards and she steps back. I can see in her eyes that she desperately wants me to persuade her, that she is caught between her needs and desires, and what she believes to be right. 'Seven isn't happy' I strike out with words 'she is particularly unhappy about this mission. She doesn't love me, but she guards what is hers jealously. She is insistent that we present well, but in our quarters, we are worlds apart. Trapped. I love, and have only ever loved, you.'

'I...we...I... can't do this.' she huffs out. Her words, barely audible, should be painful, but I can see that there is no real belief behind them anymore. Both of us know that we have no choice if we are to survive. And her/our, damned voyager and family need us to survive. I could laugh at it. Finally voyager and I need the same thing.

'I can and I will, Kathryn. I am not the honourable man of your imagining.' she shakes her head in denial and I take a step forwards 'I betrayed my family, leaving to join starfleet, i betrayed starfleet leaving to join the maquis ' and her head shakes more vigorously, poor baby, she so wants to believe in me. ' I killed, maimed countless cardassians, I slept with countless women without care' and I ignore the tears starting to fill her eyes 'and worse than all of that, I made one promise from my soul to another soul. I promised to be always by her side, to put her needs above mine. I broke that promise Kathryn. I am not an honourable man...' I am nearly shouting as I admit, finally that I am not what I wanted to be.

Quietly I reiterate,

'I am not an honourable man... and yet... you love me.'

She doesn't deny this, so it is finally time to make an end.

'When I return to the ship, I am going to make an end to my dishonourable marriage, I am going to set Seven free. It will be a relief for both of us.'

I see her start at my words, finally making the impossible possible.

'but I am not going to wait, I am not going to give you chance to run or hide. If you don't want this, all you have to do is stop me' and I take that final stride forwards

We are standing so close we are nearly touching. I feel her trembling, but she has not stepped away. Hope surges in me. Spirits guide me. For the first time in, oh so long, I feel destiny approaching.

Her unfocused eyes are resolutely looking forwards, and I wonder what she is really looking at, what she is seeing. I hope that it is us. I stop wondering when she raises them to mine, and with an infinitesimally small movement, lifts her face up towards mine.

It is all the encouragement I need, and I press my lips to hers, this is no gentle kiss though, it is raw, demanding, full of 10 years of passion, seven years of confusion, four years of despair. The pent up energy bursts from both of us, our lips bruising, our tongues tasting, demanding, duelling whilst our hands drag each other close so that nothing should interfere, nothing could tear us apart.

I love this woman. Heart, body, soul.

And she loves me.

It is all that I have ever wanted.

I hitch her up against me, she is so light, fragile. She needs my care, but later. Our passion is terrifying, her hands unzipping my jacket, reaching up to my heart, flesh on flesh. Her moans against my mouth, hungry for me. Her body grinds against mine. Oh spirits. Want and need. oh spirits.

I unzip her jacket as i support her on my thigh, pressing her back against the bulkhead and use both eager hands to rip open the neck of her shirt and tee to expose her breasts. Her chest and face are flushed, her lips plumped and reddened, her pale breasts quivering within their cotton enclosure. I had dreamed of black silk and lace, but white cotton speaks of the pragmatic Kathryn. I laugh with joy as I lift the dainty breasts from their sheltering cups to finally feast my lips against her. 'Kathryn, I love you' I tell her every time I pause to draw breath, and I hear her shouting my name, loving me, needing me, wanting me and then, oh the pure joy of it, unzipping and releasing me, freeing me, caressing me.

We are really going to do this.

Shit!

I would, should take this slowly, convince her of my love and dedication, build up the spirals of passion through tortuous seduction, but the overheated passion and need in both of us is too strong, impossible to deny, and with her riding against me it is impossible to resist. Spirits what sensations, what love, and I release her waistband, sliding my hand into the pools of moisture at her core. Oh spirits, I have the willpower of a hormonal teenager again and prepare to tear further so that I can just take her without delay as she continues to shudderingly grind against me.

I don't notice at first, though I dimly hear her head as it crashes back against the bulkhead, assuming it is with passion as she starts to come apart until it is clear that this groan is pain not desire.

The second peri-mortem shake of the shuttle has me looking up, and notice her pushing me back, away. I let her legs drop to the now quaking floor as she raps out 'commander', and then a quick kiss to my cheek to take the sting away as she orders me to the conn as she takes diagnostics.

SO damned close. Most of me wants to shout to hell with survival! Just take me Kathryn, let us just finish this. But she is already in captain mode. Quicker to snap back to starfleet that I ever wish to be.

One last glance at the dishevelled, semi naked Janeway currently replacing those well loved breasts into captivity, zipping the jacket back over the half torn rags, and I race to the conn, cursing whatever capricious spirits thought to make her worries a reality. One kiss and our ship truly is falling out of the sky.

I struggle to hold the course in the ionosphere of the M class planet and try for a controlled landing, but something explodes, alarms blare and her name is the last thing on my lips, shouted desperately.

'Kathryn!'


	2. speak now, or forever hold your peace

'Commander Paris, I demand that we return and I join my husband on his away team' she raises her supra-ocular implant at me, daring me to refuse. Bitch! I can't help but think.

'Seven, there is no evidence of any concern, it is a simple forage run. We have a timetable and we are going to follow it' said as dismissively as I dare. I will not grit my teeth. What the hell is she doing on the alpha schedule anyway? She is supposed to be on beta!

'The captain and commander should not be in the same shuttle, it is a breach of protocol...' and I try to look like I am listening intently as she quotes the whole damn regulation to me. I fcking know Seven! I had this same conversation with the Captain. I also know that she set this up, an entirely safe and pointless excursion so that she would have the opportunity to talk to the commander without interference.

There she stands, drawn to her full majestic height, interference personified. The days when I would take note are long gone.

Seeing that she is getting nowhere with this Tuvok like monologue on protocol, she has paused, clearly assuming I will bow down to her fcking superior wisdom and order a course change due to her infallible logic. Sorry, no go.

'Dismissed' I say abruptly. She turns and stalks out of the briefing room and out of my fking way.

My tolerance for Seven is at an all-time low.

Running my hand through my all-too receding hair - damn those paternal genes - I stride confidently back onto the bridge. Dammit! Seven is by Baytart trying, no doubt, to effect a course change.

Will the damn woman ever back down?

'Seven, I expect you to return to astrometrics immediately.' and as she turns and looks like she will try again, I find myself in my father's stance, with his surprised frown upon his face as I say 'now' in a quiet crack of command. She leaves the bridge, and I am relieved.

'As you were' I tell the crew 'Baytart, continue on course and Jor, keep an eye on the shuttle, it wouldn't hurt to have an early alert if the commander takes a dive' there is a half-hearted laugh from the bridge team. It is like joking in a morgue

'Ayala, keep an eye on Seven' I murmur as I walk past tactical to sit myself in the command chair.

Shit, but I wish for the old days. It all really fell apart when Chakotay started dating Seven. The signs were there earlier, but B'E and I were so taken up with the coming of Miral that we lived in our own cocoon. We were perhaps the last to know, except for the Captain, and B'E has never really forgiven Chakotay for the deception. Having Seven swan around in her distressingly superior fashion, smirking over her 'win' added insult to injury.

I keep my calm face plastered on. Between the captain and my father, I have been taught well the principles of command, particularly the command mask. Not that I ever expected to find myself the de-facto first officer. Clearly that is still Chakotay's title, but he rarely steps up to that plate now. Instead he captains the beta shift. He does it extremely competently, and the captain gives him his head over it. I support her on the alpha shift, and Harry has the gamma, with alternate back up from the captain and Chakotay as required. Ayala has gradually replaced Tuvok, and moves between all the shifts, technically fourth in command after Harry.

All change at the top.

Tuvok has been running the best alternative to starfleet academy that I know of these past two years in particular. We have lost hope of a quick return home, though we do hope to return eventually. He has a strategy to train us all to be excellent at two areas, competent in another and passable in a fourth. If he can get us all in this programme, we will have the adaptability to run Voyager, accommodate our losses and train the next gen.

We now have whole or half coloured pips to identify excellent and competent specialisms in easy to identify shades. I am depressingly deemed excellent at command and flight, competent at medicine and passable at tactics. Since I am in command red, this just gives me a half coloured deep blue pip. Fcking depressing.

The Captain has a full house, obviously.

The lower ranks have really taken to this though, it has added a boost to a monotonous existence. Well, that and fcking. We have 14 more children born on this ship since Miral, and another 3 currently in the oven.

Damn! I feel my face falter at the memories that flood in. After our last Borg near death experience, when B'E lost the baby the captain and I had no idea she was carrying, we found that we can't have any more. I shouldn't really blame Seven for this, but she left out some key bits of briefing, and I am not alone in wondering whether part of her hoped the Captain wouldn't return. Backfired on her. Chakotay risked everything to get the Captain back. He would have risked Seven too, and it was apparent to all that he was always the Captain's first. The first signs of trouble in paradise.

But for us, it was a disaster. B'E was just caught up in the misadventure. Collateral damage. Irrelevant. I doubt Seven considered for a moment who else would be hurt. The doc blames it on the failsafe device malfunction causing uncontrollable emotions. Well, I have uncontrollable emotions about this too, without having a failsafe at all. I can't give a flying fck about Seven's wellbeing, and struggle to be bothered about Chakotay.

When B'E gets morose, she suggests I father another one elsewhere and I have to gradually coax her out of that. I am gloriously glad of the family we have, but I am jealous as hell of all the expectants.

No children for Chakotay either. Ha! I take a mean joy from this. The lower ranks gossip that perhaps the Borg don't, but as one of her physicians, I know that it is all in perfect working order, she just has her nanoprobes on shoot to kill. We aren't even close to friendly now, and I don't have a death wish otherwise I would ask him just how it feels, to break the captains heart for a mid life crisis with an ice maiden instead of staying true to your fragile, human queen of fire, and now have no chance of children. To have no chance of children... at least we have Miral.

I hope she has ten fat chuckling babies with Ayala. Yep, I really do.

Brooding Bastard. I hope he chokes on it.

'I'm reading an unauthorised power up of a shuttle, Sir' Jor calls out. I'm pulled out of my bitter reverie and look at Ayala

'Her comm badge is still in astrometrics' and I look at him, he knows immediately who is in it, as do I '... and her life signs are in the shuttle bay. Damn'

'Shut her out, power down the shuttle, seal the shuttlebay' I know as I say it that we will not be able to outmanoeuvre her. Borg excellence is unfortunately still excellent even when against us rather than delta quadrant adversaries.

'Paris to Seven' I send out on an all hail since she hasn't got her fcking comm badge on.

'Power down the shuttle and return to the bridge. This is an order.' and as expected she carries on with the pre-flight check without any sign of hearing me. She only irregularly responds to the command structure personified by the Captain, and ignores the rest of us completely.

'Jor, patch me through specifically to the shuttle she is in'

'Seven, desist, return to the bridge. This is an order.' I say with the bite of anger.

'Jor, put the shuttle bay and craft on screen' and we can see the shuttle bay, the various lights flashing on the Sacajawea and the viewscreen link to the shuttle is resolutely off. Damn.

'Doctor, code green' I message him in sickbay. It announces a 'failsafe device' moment. The Captain called it code green in gallows humour. I transfer him to the shuttle. I hardly need a countdown before Seven is on the com

'I fail to see the necessity of the Doctor.' I just ignore her. 'Ayala, take a team to the shuttle bay.'

She can hear me. We can all see she can hear me. She has a choice. She can push this, to disobey the line of command in such fashion that she is likely to see brig time, let alone be removed from duty, and there is nothing Chakotay can or will do about this.

She can back down.

The Sacajawea powers down, as I hear the Doc speaking softly to her. She doesn't want to know, and I can see on the screen a haze to her eyes. Damn, she is going to cry. I don't want to see weakness in her, I don't want to have to forgive her her frailties. I don't want to understand. Anger is all that keeps me going.

'viewscreen off.' Jor complies, and then looking at her I see that this is not the end of it.

'Commander?'

'Yes, Jor?'

'the captain's shuttle? It has just disappeared from the screen'

Fck. that is all I need. Fck! Fck! Fck!

'Could the planet ionosphere be interfering with our monitoring? Is there any other spacecraft activity? Is there a debris trail?' Honestly, she should just give me the damn information'

'I am recalibrating currently, Sir.' I wait, resisting the temptation to tap my fingers. Fck! I know I am going to have to send them out.

'There is something in the ionosphere that is stopping detailed scan resolution to the planet. There is an excess of chroniton activity. There is no obvious debris, and no signs of other spacecraft'.

Fck!

'Paris to Ayala'

'Sir'

'Prep a team to take the delta flyer to the planet.' I needn't say which one 'There are unusual chroniton particles so do not descend, keep a geosynchronous orbit once the shuttle located. Review for lifesigns. Attempt transport rather than rescue if required after suitable communication. Take the Doc and Seven. There is no indication currently of anything untoward, just we have been unable to maintain a review. I will rendezvous with the Atribates as planned at 18:00 and then return to the planet coordinates. Keep me informed as to escalation.'

'Noted, Sir'

I have just given Ayala the most miserable retrieval errand. Seven will be a nightmare, who knows where the Captain has gone with the Commander, and I am aware that he loves her. Like so many others.

'You are the mission lead, and take Rollins'

'Thankyou'

'Paris to Seven'

'Sir' I do like borg sarcasm when it occurs.

'There is no evidence of anything untowards. In light of your concerns, I am authorising you to be on the mission, but let me make it clear that Ayala is sole in charge. Your role is to analyse the chroniton interference and judge what steps can overcome it with the Doctors assistance. Also any additional factors leading to the loss of resolution. Do not take the delta flyer down. Do you copy?'

'Sir'

Jor has placed the viewscreen back to the shuttle bay and has announced they are cleared to leave. Damn you Kathryn! Why can't anything go smoothly any more.

-0-0-0-Ayala -0-0-0-

I'm not sure that I can do this. I have been gradually creeping closer to the Captain with the help of B'E and Tom. They want me to be a Chakotay replacement. I want to be seen as me. There is little chance of that. Can I really accept being the understudy who gets to play the part? Can I accept being the servants portion in the kitchen whilst the grand dining experience goes untouched?

I'm not sure.

The crunch is coming. I guess this trip of hers was to forewarn Chakotay.

Over the last month, I have made a number of clear approaches that I would be 'interested'. What an understatement! She has the last few times allowed me to escort her to events, to hold her waist, and oh so subtle flirting. But I can see the heartbreak behind as she does it. I think she will allow me to comfort her. I am hoping she will allow and enjoy a physical relationship. But I won't get her heart or soul. She will never be 'my Kathryn' .

Can I allow my heart to be rent by loving fully this indomitable woman.

Can I put her needs completely before any needs of mine, knowing that she might care, she might even come to love in a fashion, but she will never truly be mine.

I think of her strength, her determination, her love for the crew. I remember her defending Chakotay and Seven even as her heart broke. I think of the sadness that flickers in her eyes when she thinks no-one is watching.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

'Ayala!' Seven's voice interrupts my reverie. 'The pre-flight checks are complete!' she is full of indignation, every second weighs on her. We have both much to lose.

'Rollins, take her out.' and we are speeding back to the planet.

'Doctor, could you work with Seven to see if we can devise something that will help us avoid the complications of chronitons'

'irrelevant!' Seven barks back as I grit my teeth. 'I can adjust my nanoprobes and also phase slightly so that I can both avoid the chroniton particles and they should have no effect, once we have identified their chromoquantum signature'

'That may work for you, Seven, but there may be the need for additional assistance. Doctor, Seven, if you would be so kind' I say it gently, but I know she is going to carry on her way, with the Doc blindly following her path. Hell! This is one crappy team.

A sniff and she and the doc walk away and commune over the science consul.

Rollins and I scan the planet and take up an orbit slightly further out that procedure to scan for everything we can think of that would destabilise a shuttle. We see it, there are periodic plumes of high concentration oxygen being released from what look like vents on the planet surface. It doesn't take much analysis to confirm that if this plume were to go in one of the lateral vents, it could destabilise the thrusters, causing a temporary loss of intertial dampeners as well as erratic movements. This could pull the shuttle into the ionosphere, and further O2 plumes would worsen the stability. Should be able to land though.

I send back my findings, confirming that in current configuration this shuttle can't go down. Seven is unimpressed. She wants to know where they are. I am tempted to say 'You and me both, baby' but instead nod.

Tom is more appreciative, and says B'E will work on an adaption so that we can make a shuttle recovery.

The chronitons are making scanning for the shuttle position difficult. There are some temporary images of the shuttle in the ionosphere that are confusing our sensors. I have to snap at a frustrated Seven that we will need to do a sector by sector visual approach and we may still only have the most probably endpoint. It does give her and the doc a chance to actually make the chroniton resistant serum that he has been discussing rather than just theorise.

After several hours of close visual scanning we have our first possible sighting. Seven is nearly incendiary with her impatience. Borg brilliance has not come up with an alternative in the meantime, so she has just had to pace. Incessantly. I thought pacing might be inefficient, but that just rewarded me with a glare.

I send her to the back to see if Doc has a working serum, and the next moment she has transported off the ship. Shit! A call, and I realise she has taken the Doc with her.

'Ayala to Chakotay'... no response 'Ayala to Janeway'... perhaps a slight fuzz 'expect incoming' I say.

'Rollins, keep trying the shuttle, and I will try Seven'

'Ayala to Seven' and I hear my voice from the back of the shuttle. Damn! She has taken off her commbadge. There will be hell to pay.

Due to the chronitons and whatever else in the ionosphere, I can't track her. I don't even know if the shuttle is there. Damn. We have no serum to follow her down, and no Doc to synthesise it.

I apprise Tom of our position. He does not sound surprised.

'I suggest you wait for 18 hundred when we can join you, unless you get the option to transport up from the planet in the meantime. Do not follow'

I glance at Rollins. No words are required. We are up shit creek.


	3. To Have and to Hold

'Kathryn! Kathryn!'

I yell into the smoke and then the spray of the fire suppressant as it kicks in. Shit! where are we? I don't recognize this shuttle. Why am I here? Why do I think Kathryn is here? Is this our shuttle taking us back to Voyager? A moment of lover's concern, and then my starfleet training kicks in.

'Computer, lights, emergency transponder activation, scan for hostile lifeforms, environmental report and status report to conn' and as these run through I am scanning for Kathryn. Where is she? I am not even going to think of life without her. Damn delta quadrant.

A flash of red by the injection flow manifold panel, and I am there.

airway, breathing, circulation...

Let out that breath I was holding! Go get med kit. Alive.

Medical tricorder scan shows me concussion, broken ribs, contused lung, fractured femur. It runs through a list of diagnoses and the remedial action required. Finally! Concussion first to reduce oedema, and then run the osteo-regenerator over the femur fracture and the right ribs. A quick patch up. Will last until we see the Doctor. She looks like a tiny doll, I am overwhelmed by the need to shelter her. Kathryn looks older, like life has rubbed out her laughter. Her hair has some threads of silver and is short! She is so small and fragile I worry she could break. I stroke her cheek and whisper a prayer to my spirits for her health.

The reports are being relayed on audio from the console. Atmosphere breathable, slightly higher 02, not an issue, no airborne pathogens and safe for a non suited exit. No higher lifeforms, and certainly no evidence of hostility. Shuttle crash due to a band of high 02 concentration in the ionosphere at the time we used combustibles for a small course correction, causing a chain reaction which shut down the engines and precipitated our hasty arrival on the planet. Some evidence of chroniton particles. Damn! I hate anything with a time element in it. Possibly accounts for the dodgy memory. No doubt I am in some different damned time line, or is this one of the seeing the future backwards paradoxes that Kathryn tries to explain. Anything is possible in the delta quadrant. Where and when the hell are we?

At least most of the shuttle functions are reparable, though will take longer to reinitialise engines.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting the voice recitation from the computer, but have to admit it is a hell of an improvement to be able to do a running check whilst working on Kathryn. 'Set a level ten forcefield around shuttle and perimeter alert to 50m, activate alert if manufactured devices detected, life forms over 20 cubic centimeters or group approach, allow Voyager crewmembers approach' That should cover things for now.

I haven't looked outside, and this could be a shuttle sent to pick us up, but its all wrong. No doubt Tuvok, if there is a Tuvok here, will have his formidable Captain safety sensors focused on us. I give it 2 hours max before a rescue. My last certain memory is hearing Tuvok returning to pick us up off planet.

'Chakotay?' Kathryn groans. Here eyes have yet to open, but I give her hand a squeeze. I am always with you Kathryn.

Her eyes open, and she looks clear sighted. Thank the spirits! I let myself breathe more freely and run the medical tricorder over her again to reassure myself that there is a return towards normal. Still some neurotransmitter imbalance, suggesting some memory may be affected for her too. It is picking up damned chronitons too now. I am sure that there will be something similar for me.

'Kathryn, we are in a shuttle that has made an unscheduled landing' even I can't bear to say crash, though I notice she attempts to smile 'You have had a head injury, and a few others which I have done some running repairs on.' She murmurs her thanks, and struggles to hold in the wince and sharp exclamation as she tries to move. 'I need you to scan me, dearest, I think I have some holes in my memory. How we got here for one!'

'Dearest?' and she smiles brilliantly at me and I know that whatever memories we have lost, we haven't lost us. I grin back and hand her the tricorder. Spirits, but I remember being so worried hearing Tuvok's voice that we would be back to commander and captain. Somehow we must have managed to make it work.

'Yup, some neurochemical imbalance Chakotay, and some stray chronitons' and she looks slightly shyly at me. 'I guess this isn't a shuttle from Tuvok? lets get backups running and compare notes' the captain is back. 'Hmm' I respond 'at least we both have the same memories, I think?' a quick check, and we are agreed on the running basics, Caretaker, Val Jean, New Earth... we also are quite clearly not in that timeframe now. Have we both lived this life together and just forgotten? What are the chances of forgetting back to the same timeframe.

'We're starfleet officers, Chakotay. Weird is part of the job!'

I stop her recitation , holding her hand firmly still as she turns to start, and she notices for the first time the plain band of gold on my finger.

'We must have married' I breathe. Joy and wonderment. I cannot stop the huge grin that bursts forth. We married! My dreams a reality!

'I love you so much, Kathryn.'

She places her unadorned hand over mine. 'Maybe just you' she says quietly, frown appearing.

I have to laugh. 'As if I could marry anyone else when I gave you my heart the moment we met!'

'Chakotay!' she might be trying for denial, but like a stream held underground for too long, the knowledge is bursting free now. I know in my memory we have only just alluded to love, we have started the move closer, but somewhere and somewhen we must have made it.

'Kathryn, you know it. We both know it. We are meant to be together' and yet she still looks unconvinced. My wonderful, stubborn, woman.

'But back on the ship, Chakotay, I planned to put ... us, the promise of what we could have, could be aside. I couldn't be both, your lover and Captain' and with that she realises she has finally admitted her love for me too and struggles up and moves away.

Ha! She loves me. I cannot hide the huge smile that bursts across my face. She has admitted she loves me! And she knows it, a surprised and guilty look and then a half smile, peering at me from beneath her lashes to see if I have noticed, and then blushing at my clearly loving smile.

She loves me! I could broadcast this back to the alpha quadrant!

'We need to see to the shuttle first , Commander' briskly spoken to return my attention to matters at hand. And my heart full of our requited love, I give her this moment to adjust.

Soon we have a full rundown of systems, she is wielding the hypospanner to make this rather beautiful shuttle spaceworthy, and the computer has shocked us with a stardate unbelievably 8 years in the future. 8 years missing! 8 years, and we are still in the damned delta quadrant. My heart sings. I have married Kathryn Janeway!

Though, I have been wondering over the missing ring. I don't understand why only I wear one. I can't bear that she might be right. My heart is full of her, only her. But in eight years, could I? would I? I can't bear it. I will not let it be the truth.

I look at her again, checking to see how she is taking our situation. She has been biting and worrying her lower lip as she works. The 'tell', clearly trying to process who we are to each other now, whether she can accept that without further evidence. She finally smiles back at me. Thank the spirits. She is ready to come to me. I put all my love into the smile for her. Opening my arms to her, for her to finally step in.

'Eight years together, Chakotay, I must have lost my edge' she sighs and reclaims me from my thought.

'Never' I disavow that statement as I grin at her. 'We are still alive. We are still travelling. We have this beautiful shuttle. We have each other!'

She grins back at me, a half smile first gradually turning into the most beautiful and brilliant smile. A head shake, a small huff of a laugh of relief. I know she is mine, that she is allowing herself to be mine. Casting aside doubt she steps into my arms.

I cradle her gently, my woman finally and without delay I move to kiss her, a gentle press of lips against her forehead and smile into her.

'Another first kiss?' she murmurs.

We pause, caught in the moment, unsure of our past, not tethered in the present and with no vision of the future. We just are. We have this moment of togetherness and I am damn well going to take it.

I press again the softest kiss on her forehead as she tips her face up with that enraptured smile, her hands slipping up around my neck and our lips finally touch. My heart is fixed in time and place. I belong to this woman. With the gentlest, sweetest of kisses I let out a sigh of relief that comes from my very soul. I am at peace.

We are no longer alone.

-0-0-Janeway-0-0-

Oh God! Please let it be true.

I am so desperate to believe that it is me he is married to.

The thoughts that in this eight years we could have moved so far apart that he married someone else would break me if I considered it. Somewhere in the depths I can sense that black hole of loss, and part of me is sure that this is the outcome we have created. He is so sure though, and I so want to be sure.

Fixing the shuttle, I feel his eyes periodically on me. We truly don't know the last eight years, but for both of us is the desire to complete our courtship on New Earth. We are here, we are alive, the decision is made. I love him, and he has already openly avowed he loves me.

He loves me! Oh! Somehow that hits me like a punch in the solar plexus. My God! He loves me. Huh!

Looking round at him, standing with his heart shining to me, I realise how I could have made this decision as captain. He loves, supports and cherishes me. He will keep me strong when the darkness comes. Together we will be triumphant.

I believe him. I believe in us. Knowing that I have been brave once, I can do it again. I smile my love at him as I step into his arms. It feels so right. We belong.

And when he kisses my forehead, not quite lover, not quite friend the die is cast. I lift my head to take that gentle kiss on my lips.

His lips are soft and delicate, pressing against them they give slightly, and in the gentle kisses we give and receive there is a slow crescendo of shared passion. I pull back to smile up at him. Surprised, delighted and in love. The universe is as I left it, but everything is changed.

I press into him a bit more, his arms tighten around me as I run one hand through the hair at his nape, enjoying the silken feel as it runs through my fingers. Our lips start to part slightly with the kisses. We both are enjoying this moment of surrender too much to hurry it.

We have plenty of time.

I move one hand to slip under his clothing to press against his heart and pull away to smile again.

'Mine' I murmur. 'Always' he answers. This time when we resume our kiss it starts to have some urgency to it, and his tongue is soon delightfully plundering my mouth, and I kiss him back as if my life depends on it. O gods! Do I kiss back!

When we pause, I think that both of us recognise that whatever has gone before in our unremembered past, this is a transition to cherish. This is our moment, even if again. I am not sure what flight of fancy catches me, but as his kisses move towards my neck and I unzip his jacket, I repeat our marriage vows.

'I, Kathryn Janeway, take thee Chakotay to be my wedded husband'

He pauses to give me a smile of such power that i know that this is right.

He unzips my jacket and is surprised by the torn shirt and tee, I had presumed this was part of his medical triage. 'Maybe we were interrupted in something' I grin cheekily at him.

'then let's make sure we are not interrupted again!' and he bends his lips to take my neck and work along my clavicle. I am in heaven.

The commbadge translates his words for me

'let the spirits take note that I choose this woman Kathryn Janeway' and we interweave

'to have and to hold from this day forward' I removed his jacket and he pauses to let me slip his shirt and tee off.

'I will walk faithfully by her side through the circle of life' and I am overwhelmed by the beauty of him, his smooth chest, the defined muscles and I kiss along them

'for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health'

'I will share her burdens and allow her to share mine, cherishing our similarities and our differences'

He is trailing his lips down my cleavage, and his hands are gently massaging my ass, though I need little encouragement to be closer in his arms. I kiss his cheek, his ear, stroking his spine.

'to love and to cherish, till death us do part'

'be witness to our joining, bless us with fecundity and give us strength in each other until the end of days'

We are undulating against each other, his hardness driving me with desire.

I take his hand and lead him towards the small cot at the back of the shuttle.

'with this vow, I thee wed, Chakotay, and with my body I thee worship. Let no person tear us asunder'

He stops and pulls me into his arms for the most ferociously passionate kiss of my life, and then lifts me up and strides towards the bed, a man possessed.

-0-0-0-Chakotay-0-0-0-

I have her at last in my arms, lazily kissing her over and over whilst repeating how much I love her. Our coming together was everything I had ever hoped and more. It was joyous and yet had a touch of the divine. It was a passionate, no holds barred race to fulfilment. We both yelled our delight to the universe, and then , after that initial crescendo, a full investigation of each other, what made us smile, laugh and groan with desire.

I don't think that I have ever felt as fully loved. From the enormous smirk of contentment from Kathryn, I think this is mutual. Her hands have started a gentle curve on my thigh, a mobius loop. We are together now for all eternity.

'In the eyes of my tribe we are definitely married now, Kathryn. We both said our vows, I asked the spirits to view and bless, and then you most definitely invited me into your bed!'

'and they are going to give us children, I believe I heard?' She grins up at me.

'if we can make that work, it would be a blessing indeed Kathryn. I only need you though, and you are Captain of Voyager first, my wife, love, hearts desire and soul mate second whilst this journey lasts. I understand that.'

'I love you' is her only answer, as she starts to move against me again. I cannot believe that I am stiffening again so soon with her ministrations. 'So what would be your pleasure, husband' she murmurs, her eyes alight with desire.

My pleasure, my pleasure is living in this moment, in lifting Kathryn onto me, gently letting her sink onto my eager cock, sliding slowly over me, subsuming me. I catch my breath, as she does too. I am fully sheathed in Kathryn, we are both still, adjusting, sensing, my arms close around her as hers are around me. Forehead rests upon forehead and I ask the spirit of my father again to bless our union although I feel this blessing already.

'this, Kathryn, this gives me pleasure' and I place a gentle kiss on her lips which naturally deepens, and our bodies start to slowly undulate. Kathryn shows me just how those hip swirling movements can give slow burn pleasure to both of us, the gyration and slight elevation providing exquisite sensations, and that her muscle control is not limited to those used in tactics.

Although I have always thought that in making love, it has been my gift to give a woman, the gift of pleasure, here it is clearly Kathryn's. Her gift of love, desire, controlled tension building. gradually her movements become less restrained, and the control required by both of us to continue this slowburn explosion becomes harder and harder to maintain. the tantric experience is enhanced by the gentle flutter of her hands around me, finding the most sensitive areas, and her gentle kisses and whispered endearments. This is very truly my pleasure.

'I can't hold on much longer, Chakotay' she breathes out. I realise I want to spend all my future nights sharing this pleasure. I increase my pressure too, thrusting in synchronicity with her complex movements, and as passion reclaims us I find that my whispered words are shouts, that my force is such that we finally overbalance and our lovemaking explodes into passionate wildness, racing to our combined climax.

The force of it hits me that even with shouting her name to the spirits, and hearing mine torn from her I still feel that for a portion of time I have floated free from earthly constraints and our souls have intertwined. I feel that when i rejoin my body, slumping down beside her with declarations of love, that a portion of me now resides within her, and that with me, I will always have a portion of her soul. Holding her small frame against me, all I can do is breathe until my heart rate slows.

She recovers more quickly and quips chirpily 'well that, Chakotay, was the transcendent version' and she is there laughing in my arms. 'I am sorry, it is just that i am so very happy' and despite the gravity and wonder of our lovemaking, I find i am laughing with her.

There is a whisper of concern though, that I can't ignore. Given that she has always accepted my tribal responsibilities, I wonder why she doesn't wear my tattoo. A warning flares from my subconscious, and I am determined to ignore it. Kathryn is the wife of my heart, soul, mind and now body.

I cannot have been unfaithful to this love.

I am an honourable man.

She has seen my frown though. 'Chakotay?' comes her query, and although I try to shrug it off, she is persistent.

'I just wonder why you didn't choose to wear my tattoo?' It doesn't really matter' but I can see from her face that it does, it matters to both of us, for the here and now, and also for the unknown past. We have both made assumptions based on our desires rather than facts. I see her face firm.

'tell me, Chakotay, where should it be? Please tell me not my face! I could never carry it off like you do'.

I grin as I roll her back onto the bed, pushing doubts to the dimmest recesses. 'there are some traditional places, let me show you' and I nuzzle along her collar bone. 'here is one' I kiss my way down to the inside of her wrist, 'here is another' she is giggling as I make my way back up her arm, pausing at her clavicle again before descending very slowly, trailing kisses between her breasts, down to her umbilicus and only then deviating across to rest in front of her hip. 'there too huh?' she gasps as I kiss and nuzzle the area before turning her over and kissing just between the dimples on her lower back. 'Here too dearest' and I also kiss her thigh and stroke her ankle.

'Do it!' She says determinedly 'before I change my mind!'

Jumping out of bed she is business efficiency whilst she pulls on panties and trousers, still sticky from our combined juices. She replicates a fresh tee for her as she shrugs herself back into clothes, and a tattoo imprinter for me.

I am slower rising up from our haven of marital bliss. A part of me I wish to never listen to alerts me that this might be our last moments of such innocence. A hand on hip Janeway imperiousness has my rising from habit, shrugging into my clothes. This urgency worries me too. I think that perhaps she is also not sure that the choice we have made now is the one we have made in our forgotten past.

Shrugging her pants to her hips she bends over a consul 'here! now!' she demands and I cannot resist curling my arms around her and pressing against her whilst kissing her neck.

'Chakotay! later!' and I give in. The husband has the choice over what design the tattoo may take. It is usually chosen following a joint spirit walk and discussion, but somehow I know, it is as if I have always known. I ink the spirals of the Chamusay sign with reversed lines to reference our journey too and from the delta quadrant, as I have faith in our return. They are extended too, and something about the more elliptical look and the protruding lines references the shape of Voyager as well, twined through our love and marriage.

I am just admiring it and placing a kiss on the reddened tissues when I hear an unexpected noise behind us.

-0-0-0-Janeway-0-0-0-

I whirl around as I hear the noise and feel Chakotay still.

Behind us is some new hibrid Borg variant the like I have never heard of or clearly seen. She holds a silver triangular weapon in one hand and stretches out her other clearly covered in Borg tracery with nanoprobe tubules towards Chakotay.

'Desist immediately! He is Mine!'

And as she strides towards us, I grab the phaser from the side of the consul and shoot. Damn it is on stun.

'Chakotay!' I warn whilst holding the phaser and moving forwards. He strides and kicks the triangular object out of her relaxed hands. It springs to life as our EMH, drawing our attention.

'What is the nature of the medical emergency?' and then with a cry 'Seven!'

My eyes go back to the drone, and notice what they had failed to see before. She wears a gold band to match that on Chakotay's hand.

Even as the Doctor calls for a beam out I am losing reality, falling into blackness.

-0-0-0-0-

 _Reviews would be a kindness! One further proper chapter and an epilogue._


	4. Till Death Do Us Part

-0-0-0-Ayala-0-0-0-

Thank God! Rollins has already activated the transport beam hearing the Docs panicked voice. Shit! I think of both of them as virtually indestructable. I activate the biobed, ready for injuries. They appear on the transporter, doc and Chakotay grouped around Seven, and the Captain gracefully collapses on the ground alone. Damn them for ignoring her!

'Captain' I shout and Rollins is jumping forwards to lift her and place on the biobed whilst the Doc is still fussing around Seven.

'Seven needs the bed' he orders. I am damned if the Captain gets relegated in treatment!

'Doctor, triage the Captain first. Once she is stable, then treat Seven'

I can't believe that he is looking mulish, 'I insist!'

'that is an order' snaps out Chakotay in agreement, and The Doc finally, and reluctantly, lets Seven down to the floor as he strides to where Rollins is reviewing the Captain.

'intercranial haemorrhage, temporal lobe oedema, type 1 tissue necrosis in patches due to hypoxia and increased free radicals' Rollins starts to present his findings...

'yes , yes!' says the doc abruptly and moves back towards Seven.

'you will treat the Captain now!' orders Chakotay. He stands between the Doc and Seven, and immovable wall for an organic doctor, less of an obstruction for our photonic.

They face off.

It is as close as the Doc has ever come to outright mutiny. Rollins and I urge him back towards the captain. There is no way to force a holographic doctor, he is oblivious to threats. instead we focus that she is the Captain, that we can't let him move on until he reviews her. Rollins can support Seven.

The Doc's devotion to Seven has always been clear, and this isn't the first time he has put her above the rest of the crews welfare. I guess this is something to flag up to B'Elanna, that there might be an adjustment needed to his programme

With an eye roll, he reluctantly makes quick work of treating the Captain's head injuries and a huge flourish with his 'magic wand'. He then only a cursory examination elsewhere until Rollins shouts 'what about the pleural effusions and lung contusion?'. Why is he being so blind to her care? This is worrying me, and Chakotay is literally growling with anger at the Doc. At least he can put the Captain first sometimes. With poor grace the Doc continues to treat the Captain until Rollins is reassured. That deep blue pip has sure earnt its reward today. I nod at him.

I go to lift the Captain up to free the biobed, but Chakotay is there first. He lifts the Captain with all the tenderness I would have expected five years ago, no care for his wife. What the hell happened on that planet?

I stay close in case he requires help, leaving Rollins to help the Doc with Seven. I have to agree, however reluctantly, that Seven doesn't look good. She is too still, and there is a dullness to her skin, almost a greyness.

Chakotay rests the Captain securely onto a chair. I expect him to then turn and go back to his wife, but instead he is supporting her in it, stroking her face. I'm fixated, I shouldn't stare! I have to watch. It is the end of my hopes to offer her comfort, that's certain, but I am taken by the rightness of it.

She has a heart stopping, tremulous smile as she opens her eyes to see him holding her, pressing her head against his hand that cups her cheek.

'Chakotay' she breathes, and he shakes his head 'I don't know, Kathryn, I don't understand. I love you. I am only yours.'

'But?' and he stops her lips with a gentle kiss 'only yours.' he slowly leaves her lips, and mine ache at the thoughts of kissing her. I know I shouldn't be watching, I am not a voyeur, but this, this is compelling. This is the completion of a romance that has hovered at the edge of Voyager since the start of our delta quadrant journey. Despite the mess surrounding this, this is beautiful.

'Kathryn, you are the mirrored soul to mine, there is no other that can complete me, partner me in the way that you can. I love you. Down there, I have made a solemn vow to you. I will honour it.' they look into each others eyes, his pleading, desperate, loving. Hers... regretful, uncertain

'but, Chakotay, you have married her, she may indeed be everything I once was. Without our memories, I don't know who I have become, and you may find that she is now all you desire.' She stops his move to talk. 'I love you, it is undeniable this feeling, and I am sure of you too. But this is our 8 years ago selves who love and are sure of each other.' she pauses as a tear falls and he wipes it away. 'I want you to know that if our memories return, and your love is for her, I will cherish what we have had as something precious, but belonging in a distant past. I will make no claims.' God! my heart breaks listening to her, and I am damn sure his should too.

I don't need to be betazoid though to know that what I am seeing is a soul match.

Damn Seven for being bold and damn Chakotay more for being weak. I can't damn the Captain though for not being brave. She used all her bravery for us, all her hope, and left none for herself.

I let the gentle cadence of their murmurings wash over me, ignoring the terse interplay between the Doc and Rollins around Seven. I can't see how this is going to play out. Damn.

When I first realised that Chakotay was dating Seven, sneaking around behind the Captain's back, I tried to give him a wake up call. Tell him to damn well chase the Captain not poor substitute. He nearly knocked me out with the force of his left hook. I left him alone after that. I ignored them both, Seven, with her uppity swagger, her boasting that she was more beautiful, cleverer, younger and clearly superior to the Captain that made me tempted to swing at her and Chakotay with his mooning fatuous look being led by something other than brain, soul or heart. I have let them wallow in the bed they had made and made damn sure not to come near them. It was not the actions of a friend.

Instead, with Tom, B'Elanna, Tuvok and Sam we created a new support for the Captain. We gave her love, time and eventually were rewarded with her laughter. We instigated dining with the Captain, where twice a week 4 lower decks joined the six of us for dinner and a game. Sometimes cards, sometimes pool, sometimes something the lower crew thought she would enjoy. It started off strained, carried by us, the senior staff. Soon, though, soon we started seeing the Kathryn Chakotay had known and we had only seen glimpses of. I damned him for a fool.

We widened the circle with Icheb as well as Naomi, realising Icheb was at a loss with his relationship with Seven. Encouraging the Captain to mentor and coach him, she soon started behaving in a motherly fashion. Picnics, holodeck adventures and now he is as good as acknowledged as her son. Icheb is luckier in his new mother than his old. This one will always value him.

We then added in dancing nights to talent nights and the Captain was a shining star. By default, and in all innocence to start with, I was her regular partner. I knew my wife had moved on, I knew that Chakotay had moved on, but it still didn't seem quite right for me to look for affection or comfort elsewhere. Slowly we have become closer. We haven't got any kind of soul connection, but we can both laugh, comfort and I think be good together. We are both passionate people.

I am brought back by the Doc snapping.

'Ayala, I asked you a question!' and I gaze at him while he asks again 'how close is Voyager?'

'ETA 30 minutes, doc' and he grumbles that he cannot do more with 'these primitive facilities' even if the delta flyer 2 is the best shuttle we have.

'Commander! time to get your memory sorted and get you back to your wife!' I'm not the only one to jump with the anger behind that. Chakotay bristles, and only the Captain holds him back, her hand on his arm until he looks at her and backs down.

'Doctor, what is the procedure and what are the risks' I switch off as the Doc does a self aggrandising talk about the chroniton resistant injection he devised with 'dear' Seven. he should have damn well given it to me or Rollins before letting her beam down to the planet without us. A lot of trouble would have been avoided if the Captain or Chakotay had seen either of us with Seven. He says this will neutralise the chronitons blocking some of their memory engrams. He then says that a guided burst of something or other will let him unblock the old memories, and restore them to themselves. I can see neither of them look very enthusiastic.

'What about our most recent memories' the Captain demands.

'they will be casualties to the rewrite' he announces in his business as usual tone. Damn man. Doesn't he realise what this means to them? The Captain is the first to respond.

'unacceptable! What about a chroniton resistant injection and await events, neural monitoring?' The Doc looks at her, 'timescale and success is already unknown. What should happen if the Borg attack?' and he raises an eyebrow 'neither of you remember your past moves or defences. We are weakened by your memory loss. Voyager needs you back in position'

Damn but he is good. The Captain's shoulders slump down.

'No!' Chakotay is determined 'we will wait for Voyager, and see if there is another way' he looks at the Captain 'I cannot risk losing you so easily. If a Borg cube appears, then do your worst, but until then, we have time.' and they both smile.

'Chakotay' and he smiles at me. In this reality of his we have yet to fall out over his choice of bride. In this reality there would be no cause to. 'Why don't you make a joint log whilst we wait? we can then clear it from the databank, and you both can have a copy. An insurance policy?' He grins at me, as the Captain blushes. I join Rollins and the Doc with Seven and ask for a report so that it is harder for us to catch their log.

The Doc's shoulders slump, and Rollins looks concerned, and he isn't Seven's biggest fan. In fact, over the last three years her fanbase has eroded to just Chakotay, allthough few are as clearly unfriendly as myself, Tom and B'Elanna. 'Her cortical implant' He says 'The phaser was on stun, otherwise she would not have survived so far, but the effect of the phaser whilst she was slightly out of phase to avoid the chronitons has damaged her cortical impant. It has moved further out of phase and I am unable to reach it with my standard instruments to correct.'

I'm not sure quite what this means for her, but the doctor carries on.

"Without a functional cortical implant she will die, probably within a few days, a fortnight at most. This happened once before, and Icheb donated his cortical implant. Now, we are nowhere near Borg space, and despite years of trying to find a solution, Seven and I are no closer to one should the implant fail. As it is out of phase, it is currently failing to support her essential Borg implants. I can artificially keep her in near stasis, but I am not sure to what end if there is no hope of a cure"

'Maybe on Voyager' I try to offer hope 'B'Elanna might be able to help, or Icheb?' after all, Seven is a member of our family. I think she may have been too clever this time though. 'Maybe the captain might be able to help?' but he looks unconvinced by this, and I am not sure it is her expertise or her willingness that is in doubt. 'She has always supported Seven' I say, and it is true, as far as it goes.

"they may not be able to offer an alternative to the implant, but they may be able to bring it back into alignment?" the doctor tuts, unbelievingly, and points to the front of the shuttle.

I look towards the Captain and Chakotay again, embracing in front of the conn. Shit, this situation is a total mess. What will happen when their memory returns? If Chakotay turns back to Seven, will this break Kathryn again? If he doesn't? I am perhaps more in love with the Captain than I have let myself believe. A dull ache spreads from my chest. Whatever, I know that the Captain would still fight death itself, or the Borg as its proxy if it would save Seven.

Yep, a total disaster.

-0-0-0- Janeway -0-0-0-

We have made our joint log. A copy for each of us, and an encrypted one for Ayala to hold. It talks of our passion, our love, of our private wedding, and shared kisses. it tells of our hopes for the future, together. We thread through each others words, laughing, holding hands, in love. We are untouched by the sadness that so many years travel may have brought us, we are the people of eight years ago. We both know that we are clinging onto something ephemeral. These are wishes on a dandelion clock, blown to the winds.

Even as I join Chakotay with our log of love and hope, I can't ignore that the Borg hybrid on the biobed is Chakotay's wife! And what a wife, young, beautiful, pouted lips, a figure to die for... clearly bold and brave as well. I am not sure how I could compete. I can't ignore that my body is older, my hair has silvering at its roots and that there are the threads of worry lines around my eyes. Old and jaded.

I know that in the true present we have no marriage, no shared love.

I think he could see the worry clouding my eyes as I looked at her and turned me to face away, kissing my eyes, mouth, murmuring his everlasting love, denying whatever conflagration in our past has led us not to be together. He swears that in his soul he knows that it is has only ever been me. I believe him, I have to believe him. Having let myself love him so fully, I have no armour to put on, no means of defense from unbearable anguish if he turns away.

I fell back into his arms. We grabbed one final passionate kiss, a touch of desperation to it since there is a chance that these few hours of joy are all that we will have. Oh, Chakotay! What have we done. In the years since we remembered, was it I that pushed you away, full of duty and devotion to crew, or was it your need for family and physical affection that drove you towards the change. Why didn't you push me? When did things change?

Pulling back I make my way back to the medical area, trying to numb my heart again, as I tried after we received the call from Tuvok, both so recent and yet so impossibly long ago. So much easier to do before I had allowed myself to commit to you. Easier before I truly knew the feel of you, the delight of you. Oh, Chakotay! Can you feel the craziness I am containing, the need to scream, wail, shout, demand that you love only me.

I nod once to him, as if assuring both of us and move outwards, Chakotay following as if reinstated to first officer position rather than as my spouse. I firm my posture, shoulders back, chin up Janeway.

I walk back into an ongoing argument. The Doctor is still adamant that we must restore my memories so that I can help cure Seven, and Ayala and Rollins are both equally insistent we shouldn't do this on the shuttle.

"Captain, I must insist that we proceed without delay! As I have mentioned, without all your memories, we are at a disadvantage. Without the combined knowledge of yourself and Seven and with the Commander also affected, we need to restore you to health immediately. I mean no disrepect to Mr Paris" and I raise my eyebrows at this, Mr Paris in charge of my ship! Where is Tuvok?

"but it is imperative that we should at least start the reversal of the chroniton effect. I see no reason for delay." he continues

He can see I am wavering and pushes ahead "You will not remember the Krenim, who had chroniton based weaponry, but what if this planet is the result of similar weaponry? With Seven also unavailable, we are lacking the ability to judge" Damn him.

"Captain?"

This does seem a reasonable and perhaps necessary compromise. I close my eyes and pinch my forehead to consider. 'no additional treatments to potentially destroy my recent memories?' I query.

He ponders this, 'not unless made necessary'

'Not good enough, none unless Chakotay, Rollins and Ayala concur' I barter back. 'I do not want to lose these memories unless my life or the ship are in immediate danger. Is that clear?"

"no" Chakotay interferes. No angrily, just determinedly. "It has to be me first, Captain, to determine whether there are any ill effects." A shared look and I agree. This is not love interfering with duty, this is duty pure and simple. We are stronger together, without barriers. There is no hidden subtext, just honesty. I wish i could just damn well go back in time and fix... this. This mess of a marriage to someone else. I should have been braver before, should have taken that leap of faith.

We are where we are, damnit!

"Do it!" I place my hand on Chakotay's shoulder as he hops up onto the biobed. The Doctor appears to be nearly cheery as he hums a damned aria whilst organising the hypospray. It is going to be fine, I repeat to myself.

"There's nothing to worry about, Kathryn" he whispers smiling up at me as his legs swings on to the couch and he relaxes back. I wish my grin back was half as convincing. I nod to the Doctors unspoken wave of the hypospray and keep my eyes locked with Chakotay.

"Doctor!" I scream as they roll up into his head as he starts to convulse. I hold him down by the shoulders, assisted by Rollins and Ayala whilst the Doctor quickly gets two further hyposprays, and then when these are ineffective, provides two pulses from a quickly replicated device.

"Doctor, what is that?" I ask sharply, I can see that it is targeting something within the brain tissue. "Ah" and he looks like he might prevaricate "tell me now!" i order. "His new memories and his previous memories are causing conflict. It is as if there is a dysjunctive dissonance in the neuroprocessing."

I glare at him "in layman's terms. Doctor!"

"if he were me, I would say my programming had a terminal error, and that one set of instructions required deletion for me to function effectively again. To that effect I have..."

"No!" I shout at him, pushing him aside "Chakotay!" I whirl to the Doctor "My God! What have you done!"

"I have returned him to an efficient running state, as required by Voyager... and his wife"

Ayala strides forwards and terminates his programme as I clutch Chakotay's biobed. It is too late, I can feel that the damage is done. Damnit, i had only sought confirmation for myself for discussion before damaging memories. Damn! Oh, Chakotay! As long as he is well, as long as he survives this.

Paris is conferring with Ayala over the com, but I no longer have the power to care. I am unsurprised to be beamed into sickbay, met by Paris, Wildman and Celes, who place Seven onto the surgical bed for the most critically injured.

They place me on a biobed and reassess my injuries, even as I try and stop them, to be beside Chakotay as he wakes. I tell Tom that I am always there when Chakotay wakes up, and can't mistake the look of pity he gives me. No, in this present, it will be his wife that does that. I can't help the tears that fall. It is with boundless compassion that he gives me the all clear, and suggests that Wildman takes me back to my quarters. My solitary quarters, I amend.

I pause to take in the scene around me before leaving.

Chakotay is waking, and with a huge roar demands to see his wife. I feel hopeful, but his gaze passes across me without any acknowledgement. instead it fixes on the young woman silent on a biobed where Paris is connecting the stasis equipment. He roars and surges forwards to her, crying out her name and activating the EMH. I see him cradle her head as tears again blur my vision. He is her husband, he loves her. I am nothing to this Chakotay, and she is his everything.

Still, I go towards him, to offer comfort.

"Chakotay?"

"Go away, Captain" he snarls at me "there is no place for you here." full of anger, his eyes never turning, never leaving the face of his wife.

This time I let Samantha lead me back to my quarters, where I relinquish myself into custody for the shooting and wounding of a fellow officer, firing wthout due care and attention.

My quarters, where I am given an escort at all times.

My quarters, where I doubt that I will ever find home or peace again.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Sorry. After multiple rewrites, this is the best I can do with it. Epilogue to follow more swiftly._


	5. Epilogue

_Acting Captain's log:_

 _This is the last log from acting Captain Paris._

 _The court martial for Captain Janeway has determined that she is innocent of murder of a civilian. Her prosecution of herself was thorough, but could not avoid that fact that neither she nor Commander Chakotay had memories of the delta quadrant Borg interactions, nor the civillian, Seven of Nine, at that time. The testimony of Lt Commander Ayala and Lt Rollins confirmed that they had not been able to make the away team aware of the rescue mission, and that Seven had pre-emptively left the shuttle without a full away team due to her concerns for her husband's welfare._

 _It was then reasonable for the assumption that this was a Borg controlled planet, even if that type of Borg not was met before. It was noted that the phaser was set to stun. The testimony of Lt Commander Ayala and Lt Rollins confirmed that before the return of their memories, both Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay believed her arrival to be of hostile intent._

 _It is unfortunate that the stun of the phaser disrupted the cortical node in Seven, which continued to destabilise over 3 days, leading to her inevitable demise. The phaser was in good working order, and the shot taken would be an approved manoeuvre to incapacitate an enemy. The doctor tried all available treatments, but even in stasis she continued to deteriorate so was removed to die in the arms of her husband, Commander Chakotay. I reiterate, that at the time of the incident, Commander Chakotay also retained no memories of his wife, however his memories were returned by a field procedure by the Doctor._

 _I enclose the trial transcript with separate encoded passwords._

 _Captain Janeway's memories have now be restored to her by an adapted field procedure though they have been naturally restoring as the chroniton concentration embedded in the hippocampus decreases. She has asked to expedite her return to active duty, which has been accepted._

 _As a second outcome, we hope that the restructuring of the Doctor's ethical subroutines will allow us to reactivate him shortly, as we are approaching inhabited space. Assessment of his behaviour by Lt Commander Torres has identified that some three years ago his programme was adjusted by Seven of Nine._

 _From the deleted portions, creatively encrypted and painfully restored by Lt Commander Torres and Captain Janeway, it appears she asked for him to remove one of her borg implants to allow a closer relationship with the Commander. When this was completed, unfortunately it also caused extremes of negative emotions. This had been unanticipated, but was felt to be related to the unsafe area of space we were passing through, and also her lack of life experience of controlling emotions. He did not detail these, but the outline suggests that she was not behaving in an ethical manner. The Doctor had suggested that she discontinue romantic endeavours and remove from active duty whilst she adjusted, and was planning to inform the Captain and the Commander, or alternatively have the implant replaced and reactivated if possible._

 _Following this, there is both deletion of these memories, and all pertaining to the failsafe device, and also an adjustment to his treatment parameters, such that he would always prioritise Seven, then the Commander and that he would not prioritise the Captain in an emergency situation. The health and happiness of Seven effectively being his main driver._

 _In further instances, he believed that the failsafe device was faulty when certain behaviours of Seven were noticed, thus medically absolving her from responsibility. On each occasion it is clear that a further readjustment of memory was continued around the failsafe, and a further emphasis on the wellbeing of Seven above all other crew members maintained._

 _Further encrypted programme algorhythms have been placed around the Doctors programme such that we are notified if any adjustments are attempted, and should halt any further adjustments. The Doctor will be aware of this when he is reactivated, as the previously hidden memories will be available. The Captain has offered to be available to counsel the Doctor, as has Commandant Tuvok._

 _There is no decision as to whether Commander Chakotay should also be told, whilst he is on compassionate leave. We request a counsellor for his benefit, and are aware that this will significantly reduce the rest of the crew's interactions with home, however we are prepared for this. Commander Chakotay has been the predominant counsellor for the crew, and there is no individual available for him in this situation, given the Captain's involvement._

 _Log ended_

Well, there it is done. I don't have the skill of the Captain in writing logs that appear to tell the story, but leave out the clues to dig deeper. There is so much more digging that can be done. hopefully I can talk to Dad to bury the essence of this somewhere.

It is a mess.

The Captain remembers and Chakotay doesn't. She talked to Sam and B'E, finally.

Just as we all thought that we could regain a new status quo on this ship, be able to get past the disaster that the command couple had initiated by not actually becoming a couple. I'm not sure where we go. Harry is being the leader of the camp Chakotay. He always was friendly to the Commander and Seven, so has an in there. Mike and B'E have been very firmly rebuffed. There is little point me trying.

The ship, well it feels like the heart has gone out of it. We managed to just about pull together for most of the crew to remain mostly oblivious to the schism that the marriage caused. Tuvok's illness and the necessity to provide for the future distracted most of them from looking much closer. Those that did kept quiet after a brief word with the senior team. Seven's death? Again, we have had other deaths, they cause a wave of grief, and we band together to support and move on. But we haven't yet, because Chakotay can't approve her ceremony, caught between his wishes and her more sparse instruction.

But the big blow is the Captain's court martial. Even behind closed doors there was no hiding the antipathy Chakotay has. Even with the Captain under confinement in her quarters, it didn't stop him drunkenly yelling too many details at her, blaming her explicitly for Seven's death due to her jealousy that he had loved again. Fck. the captain was inside with B'E with tears streaming because he will never forgive her, contrasting with the love they shared. Harry calmed him down and walked him away, but the whole ship knows.

There is only one person who can start to put this right. God help her!

In the meantime I go around reminding everyone we have all had breakups and makeups. It is a small ship and we are family. We will make it work again. They have such faith in the senior crew, and mostly the captain, that they believe me. I only wish I could believe me too.

Well, that's enough thinking. I will be glad to give this chair back to the Captain tomorrow. Time to hug Miral and B'E and be grateful for all that we do have.


End file.
